Eternal Riddle

I've been a comic for 10 years and I still can't tell you why this happens.

O' a' the airts...

Check the wind up here, byrawy. That's the whirlygig in my back rotating as if by it's own volition! Jeez-o!

Living the High (winds) Life.

Caroline and I went down to Lerwick yesterday where I was teaching stand up comedy to adults and she was teaching jewellery making to "at risk" youth. We powered up the road on the the mainland to our first ferry, 9pm at Toft. "Service Cancelled Due to High Winds. BUGGER!
We only know two folk on the mainland- Tom: didin't have his number- Jacquie: She was outatown.
So we parked up at the waiting room near the bogs, 'cos we're resourceful n'at, and settled down to sleep in the car. Meg wisney best pleased. Caroline had bought halloween cakes for her pupils so we pulled the cakes out of the message bags and had them for supper. Bugger them.

I had last weeks Merlin in my BBCi folder on my laptop (screw you, I like it) so we watched that. Yeah, great idea. Sitting in the dark in the middle of nowhere in howling wind and heavy rain battering on the roof watching a programme about medevil witchcraft.

Then there was a flash of light. And another. What's this? Christ! A ferry has arrived! it was only the 9pm and 10pm that were cancelled. By 11pm the wind was low and the LAST ferry was running! We got our shit together and raced down to the barrier only to see the boat shove off. BUGGER!
I called the mobile number on the timetable. But instead of getting some random naebody in a Lerwick call centre we got the captain of the ferry! And cutting this long story slightly shorter he shouts "Boys! Turn around!" So this enormous car ferry turns on hull and comes back just for us. We get on our chauffeur driven boat and relax a little.

Caroline and Meg look after the car: While I relax in the lounge: "Thanks," we shout to the variably pissed off crew and drive up to the next ferry terminal where, of course the last ferry left an hour and a half ago. Oh aye, that's why we had to be on the 9pm from Toft. Oh well. Back to plan B. Await the morning ferry. Got home at 7am to an angry hungry cat.

Hameward Boond.

SO! When I'm down in Glasgow I stay with my Mum & Dad ( cup of tea in the morning, piece on sausage, washing done, "phone if yer staying out all night!" and so on.) So here is my journey back to Baltasound as taken this week.

1. TRAIN Gilshochil- Queen Street. 13 mins
2. TRAIN Queen Street- Aberdeen. 2 1/2Hrs
3. FERRY Aberdeen- Lerwick. 12 hrs (overnight)
4. BUS Lerwick- Toft. 40 mins
5. FERRY Toft- Ulsta. 20mins
6. BUS Ulsta- Gutcher. 25 mins
7. FERRY Gutcher- Belmont. 10 mins
8. BUS Belmont- Baltasaound. 10 mins

An epic 22 hour adventure! The plane is more expensive and easier but also there is no bus, repeat, NO BUS to meet the plane from Glasgow. Are they trying to tell us something? So no plane unless I can get a lift.

HOWEVER, yesterday on the Shetland leg of my journey I cleverly fell asleep in the middle of Step 5, the Toft -Ulsta ferry. The night before I hadn't got to sleep till 1am and then some drunk tit came into his bunk (shared cabins like a floating youth hostel) at 3am and fannyed about for a while! Basterd! Ages to get back to sleep then up at 6.30 in a "bing-bong" hi-de-hi style "get-oot-yer-bed" announcement.

So asleep I fall on the middle-sized ferry waking up to see us docked at the isle of Yell with no idea how long we'd been there or if we were about to shove off again. I ran down just in time to have two deck hands point at me and laugh. Missed the bus. Fuct!

Luckily there were two cooncil lorries parked at the shop. I managed to hitch a lift from Lowrie, a workie from the North Mainland.

He was going to MY STREET! (well, the airstrip round the corner from my street.) He even gave me coffee and biscuits as we awaited the peerie (wee) ferry. Braw!

BTW, the way I found out there was no bus at Sumburgh to meet the Glasgow plane was by arriving at Sumburgh on the Glasgow plane and standing there like a pure diddy. Sumburgh is in the extreme south of the islands and I live in the extreme north. (see map A=Sumburgh Airport, B= My House .) If I'd waited for the next bus, 3 hours later, I would have missed ALL my connections home. Had to get a cab to Lerwick where the bus to Toft left 5 minutes early "as it normally does" I was informed by a helpful memeber of station staff. I hitched a lift from a council electrician. I told him I was off to the ferry to meet my wife who was at a workshop in the Bonhoga Gallery- so he took me there!

Not since I was a child have I had so much fun getting into cars with strange men.

Sasanach!

Hej kids,

Sorry nae posts the noo. Have been in Glasgovia for the past forever doing gigs etc, so no Shetland titbits for yuz. Normal "sharwash" (that's "service" in a Lerwick accent) will resume soon as. In the meantime here's a picture of Muckle Flugga.

Noo DAT's Shetland Widdar!

That was the phrase said to me on Saturday morning by my neighbour, Piffy. I'll tell you why. Remember this?


Lovely warm summer days days in Shetland wi coo's lazily grazing in the field ower the back.
Well after the storm on Friday night it became this:


And we are talking STORM here. Had to bring the bike in oot the garden or would have been swept away Wizard Of Oz style, grumpy school marm and all. (That wasn't a reference to Caroline, BTW.)

Time to bring out the underwater cows with snorkels and flippers.
S.x.

Trows & Vows.

We were exposed to more local traditions with a wedding last weekend. The couple walked from the church to the local hall with fiddlers at the front, a guy shooting a rifle to scare away the 'trows' (trolls) followed by the bride n groom, the wedding party and the guests and at the back are the couple o guys with brooms sweeping to make sure evil didn't follow. Although plenty of spirits did flow pretty soon afterwards.