Lerwick Up Helly Aa!

The last Tuesday in January- Up Helly Aa!

I had grown my beard all big and Vikingy and headed off to Lerwick.


The strangely fascisty looking black crow flag is hoist above Lerwick Town Hall. As evening descends the street lamps are flipped off and the town is plunged into darkness . Then at 7.30pm -Whoosh! The Light Up! Up go the torches. To reveal... The Guizer Squads lined up and ready to go. They stand to attention waiting to follow the Guizer Jarl and his Jarl Squad, resplendent in Viking attire.And here come the girls...Hundreds of hairy arsed Shetlanders dressed up a women, giving the night the subtitle, Transvestite Tuesday. (It's a male only thing. That's the only pish thing about it.)

They march in their thousands around the square.The Galley Boys drag the galley...

They drag the galley into the centre of the park... Then they set fire to it!

(No photots of that, though. I'm from Glasgow. I've seen vehicles on fire before.)

It was a stunning procession.

I then went off to the Garrison Theatre where I hosted Stand Up Helly Aa, an evening of Shetland comedians. Everybody laughed. Braw!

The following morning...
Enough said.

Orca The Jaiket Haudin Whale.

This wee Killer Whale managed to escape the rabid blood thirst of the Norwegian whaler and is now lounging in Tresta Bay off the coast of Fetlar.

Good for you, Orca. The Great Escape plan is working.

Whaling under fire as Norway catches only 50% of its quota From The Guardian.

Fire Festival Fun

About a month after I moved up here I was back down in Glasgovia doing a gig with Hilarious comedy sketch group You Owe Me Glue at The Stand.

While there I was telling my good friend and colleague Limmy about my new life up here in Unst. In his wisdom he enquired, "Have you thought, eh...don't take this the wrang wiy, but have you thought about, like, taking oor the place?"

Well it's coming to fruition! Here is the first major offensive: Stand Up Helly Aa! Every year on the last Tuesday of January (for some reason) Lerwick hosts Up Helly Aa, the biggest fire festival in europe to greet the return of the Sun. It's the most important date on the Shetland calander. And what have they got me doing? Standing in a drafty theatre taking this piss out of the whole thing.

Actually, I will leave the piss taking to the thre Shetlanders on stage. I mean I know I used a bit of battle talk and that but, fukkit, I want more work so I should go easy.

Uch who the fuck am I kidding. I'm a cheeky wee basturt. But as the great recently departed master wordsmith John Mortimer said:

" A life during which you are caused no offence would be as blandly uneventful as death itself."

So here we go.x.

The Sight of Sound

My big mate and new comedy colleague Les Sinclair has posted photies on his blog from last years event, Stand Up@ Sound, at the Sound Hall, Lerwick.

Click da link Muckle Viking for the the gallery.

Nice pic of me looking like I've just been violated by a horny trow. (That's a troll to you Soothmoothers.)

The Auld Rock Rocks.

Apparently there was an earthquake in Shetland this morning. News tae me. I was in my kip snoozing like a peerie bairny.

Click da link

Shetland Earth Quake. BBC News

Stand Up Helly Aa

On the 27th of this month Lerwick plays host to Up Helly Aa, the biggest fire festival in europe. On this night, also known as Transvestite Tuesday (it falls on the last Tuesday of January and their is a lot of cross dressing-more later) i will be hosting a comedy show at The Garrison Theatre called "Stand Up Helly Aa" (see what I did there) an irreverent and alternative look at the festival.

I'll post more about this later but click the link to the vid below to get a small taster. Nothing much has changed since. (Thanks to Mick for sending me this.)

Vikings Of Shetland

You can take the boy...

I may have been a little too sarcy in my last post( yeah, like you can be TOO sarcy ) in my opinion of my hame toon of Glasgow. So here's wee list of the things I actually miss, accepting that family and friends is a given.

1. Curry- I've tasted curry in Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, Cardiff, Leicester, Nottingham, London, Bristol, Southampton , Portsmouth, Lerwick, Stockholm and Jakarta. Glasgow is the best.

2. Libraries- Lovely old municipal libraries like Partick and Maryhill and the Mitchell. Playgrounds for the mind of any age clasped in beautiful achitechture.

3. Salandinis Traditional Italian Barber Shop- Tucked away on that wee bit of West Princess St near Kelvinbridge Underground, Luigi and his son Antonio cut your hair, shave your chin and read your mind with Scicilian flair over espresso.

4. Swanning Up and Down That Byres Road Thinking Ahm Sumthin Ahm Urny- Where better than Byres Roads MILLION coffee shops to indulge your delusions of grandeur, waving at mini celebs you hardly know and paying a fucking fortune for no' bad coffee while working on your screenplay.

5. Lounge!- Glasgow would be sadder place without the likes of Mark Robb, Nick Peacock and the rest spinning the jazz, latino, lounge, easy and funk. When I set up "The North Lounge" in Unst I will invite them up on an arts council grant.

So, while I do love my new life up here in the wilderness with all the wonderful things it has to offer, I do miss some bits of Glasgovian life. It's worth it though. I can still indulge when I go down for gigs. A random Glasgow day would be:
GOMA Library; Offshore Coffee Shop; Luigi's for a shave; Byres Road/FOPP/Oxfam/more coffee etc; do my gig; mibby a late pint at The Woody if it's on or a curry.

Then it's back to the peace, quiet and eating of Unst. So while I'm glad to see the back of The City of Bams I do miss those little things.

The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse.

That'll be yer 2009 started then! Happy New Year to yuz all.

Most of my December was down in Glasgow where it was great to catch up with lots of friends and colleagues and enjoy their hilarious jokes about Shetland being an inbred buttfuck backwater. Ha ha. Yes. Funny.

The Western Isles are 200 miles that way, mate. (points south west.) Don't get us mixed up.

It's all back to work this week, so while you're looking at this on your way back from the office:

I'll be looking at this on the way back from mine:


Enjoy your cappuccino at 3 in the morning, darlings. And your heroin.

Love,
Wee Scandi.x.